Diary Of Our First Canadian Winter - Uncut Version

This is the uncut diary of the Duffin's first Canadian winter.

Note: No snowplow operators were harmed in the writing of this diary.

December 8

It started to snow. The first real snow of the season and Cat and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drifting down. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled snow for the first time and felt like a kid again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour, Bob, tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible! Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14

Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 17

20 inches forecast. Sold my car and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for Cat's van and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. Cat wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. Ha, I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all!

December 18

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. Cat laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 21

Still way below freezing, was -31 this morning! Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at Cat and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 23

Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn freezing white stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbours kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around that was open to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March! I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 25

Merry -@!!*$...***- Christmas! Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today snow is packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the S.O.B. who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his !!@*** and beat him with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight Cat wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and the kids and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 27

Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 30

10 more inches of the damn white @@!!"** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 31

20 more inches of the damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. Cat says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "The Sound of Music" on TV one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

January 2

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

January 3

Temperature dropped to -35 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400.00 to replace all my pipes.

January 5

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The OLD BAG is driving me crazy!!!

January 7

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

January 10

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his butt. Cat went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

January 11

Thats it it's so cold and I have REALLY had enough of damn white @%&*!!. I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling!!!! Yipeeeee

January 12

I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. I am in a nice warm room with soft walls and and.... Why am I tied to the bed? And, and... whats that white stuff floating down from the ceiling? Arhhhhhhhh

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